Opting Out

Choosing Myself During the Holidays: The Guilt and Gratitude of Prioritizing Mental Health

As the holiday season rolls around, the air fills with cheer, lights, and the undeniable pressure to show up—to be present, joyful, and engaged. For most, it's a time of love and connection. For me, it’s often a season wrapped in dread, anxiety, and a nagging sense of inadequacy.

The holidays have always been a complicated time for me. On one hand, I adore the idea of family gatherings, the warm laughter, and the shared traditions. But on the other hand, those same events often become overwhelming triggers for my anxiety and depression. It’s not that I don’t love my family or appreciate the effort that goes into these moments; it’s that the expectation to perform—to smile through my inner chaos—can feel unbearable.

This year, I made a decision that was both freeing and guilt-ridden: I chose to opt out.

The Inner Battle of Saying No

Deciding not to attend family functions felt like drawing a line in the sand—a line between my needs and the expectations of others. In the weeks leading up to the holidays, I agonized over the choice. Questions swirled in my mind:

• What will they think of me if I don’t show up?

• Am I selfish for putting myself first?

• Will they assume I don’t care about them?

The guilt was relentless, almost suffocating at times. I imagined the conversations I wouldn’t be there to hear, the hugs I wouldn’t give, and the memories I’d miss out on. But as I sat with those feelings, I also realized something important: my mental health isn’t negotiable. No amount of holiday cheer is worth sacrificing the progress I’ve made in managing my anxiety and depression.

The Relief of Choosing Me

The moment I sent my regrets, a weight lifted. I finally felt aligned with my truth—honoring the part of me that needed peace over performance. Choosing myself wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. By giving myself permission to step back, I found the space to focus on what truly matters: my well-being.

Instead of being drained by small talk, crowded rooms, and the pressure to appear "fine," I’m spending this holiday season in a way that feels restorative. Whether that’s curling up with a book, watching nostalgic movies, or simply sitting in stillness, I’m learning to create my own traditions—ones that honor where I am, not where I think I should be.

The Guilt That Lingers

Even though I know I made the right choice, the guilt hasn’t completely disappeared. There are moments when I wonder if I’ve disappointed the people I love. I imagine my empty chair at the dinner table and worry they see it as a reflection of my love for them.

But here’s the thing: choosing myself isn’t an act of selfishness; it’s an act of self-preservation. My absence isn’t a reflection of my care for them—it’s a reflection of the care I’m learning to give myself. And if I’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

A New Kind of Holiday

This year, I’m redefining what the holidays mean to me. They’re no longer about checking boxes or meeting expectations; they’re about finding joy in the ways that serve my mental health. That might mean missing out on a family gathering this year, but it also means showing up for myself in a way I never have before.

To anyone else struggling with anxiety or depression this season, know this: it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to choose rest over obligation, and peace over appearances. The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy—and sometimes, joy means stepping away to protect your mental health.

Choosing yourself doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you brave. And for that, I’m learning to feel grateful, even when the guilt tries to creep back in.

Here’s to a holiday season that feels good—on my terms.

xo B